DARIA’S LANE Excerpt 01: “Party me Hardly”
by Ace Trax
Summary: What if: Jane was born as a boy and Trent was born as a girl? Betareaders appreciated
1. part 1

The Alternate Daria Series:   
"DARIA'S LANE" 

Excerpt 01:   
"Party me Hardly"   
  
  
  


INTRODUCTION:   
What if: Jane was born as a boy and Trent was born as a girl? 

AUTHOR'S NOTES:   
This fanfiction is modelled after the original Daria Episode 102 "The Invitation" written by Anne D. Bernstein. I have used/borrowed/stolen the transcript, without permission from "Outpost Daria". That is why certain dialogues and events are repeated, but not all.   
  


_OPENING SEQUENCE_   
_MUSIC: "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" BY SPLENDORA_   
  


EXT. SIDEWALK IN LAWNDALE – DAY   
_Daria and Quinn are on their way to school. Daria is smirking behind Quinn._

QUINN: _(annoyed)_   
Daria! You are following me. 

DARIA:   
You are not going anymore to middle school you know. Hence you have to share the agony of high school with your beloved sister, which includes walking in the same way to school. 

QUINN:   
And why were you smiling before? As if you knew I am going to be embarrassed. 

DARIA:   
I was only laconic. 

QUINN:   
Lactose… nic? 

A boy, with red jacket, long dark hair and blue eyes, sneaks up behind them. It is Zane. 

ZANE: _(loud)_   
*BOO!* 

QUINN: _(frightens)_   
Eep! 

DARIA: _(nearly frightens)_   
Huh? 

ZANE: _(smiles)_   
Hey. Good morning Morgendorffers. 

QUINN:   
Eww! 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Hey… Zane. 

DARIA:   
Go to hell Zane. 

ZANE:   
And Daria is as cheerful as always. 

QUINN:   
Now listen… *Zane*, if you want to have any chance of dating me, then you should change your behaviour. 

ZANE:   
Perhaps, but I want to enjoy life before I undergo a lobotomy. 

QUINN:   
Lactose… tomy? 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(chuckles)_   
Good one. 

DARIA: _(annoyed deadpan)_   
Why don't you molest some cheerleaders? 

ZANE:   
No thank you, but my collection of sexual transmitted diseases is complete. 

DARIA AND QUINN: _(shocked)_   
EWW! 

_Zane chuckles evil. He leaves them by walking faster. Quinn glares behind him._

QUINN: _(outraged)_   
Captain of the Lawndale High track team or not… he is such a… such a… 

DARIA:   
Jerk. 

QUINN:   
Yes. 

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
After 15 years we finally agree on something. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
His blue eyes sparkle like an ocean in space.   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – ART CLASS WITH MS. DEFOE   
_Daria is sitting with Brittany on a table. Both are drawing sketches. Brittany seems to have problems._

BRITTANY: _(talking to herself)_   
No not again! Ah! I have forgotten all about perspectives. How was it again? Lefties, Rightists…? 

DARIA:   
Centrists? 

BRITTANY: _(to Daria)_   
Uhm Daria? Can you help me? I think I forgotten everything about perspectives. 

DARIA:   
That is not the only topic. 

BRITTANY: _(starts sketching on her sheet)_   
I mean when… for example I am in the mall… and the way down the end is the… Cashman's department… 

DARIA: _(pulling some lines on Brittany's sheet)_   
Then everything is pointing to the entrance… this single spot on the horizon. That is the one-point perspective. 

BRITTANY:   
Of course! I remember again: The one-point perspective. And the two-point perspective is like a long street, which stretches from one horizon to the other. Just like in the "Road Runner" cartoons. 

DARIA: _(impressed by Brittany's regained knowledge)_   
"Jeopardy" here she comes. We still haven't had two-point perspectives, where did you learn it? 

BRITTANY:   
From Zane. 

DARIA: _(beat)_   
Zane? 

BRITTANY:   
Yes, Zane Lane. My *ex*-boyfriend. 

DARIA: _(beat)_   
Aha. 

BRITTANY:   
You know: It turned then out we had nothing in common. 

DARIA: _(beat)_   
Aha. 

BRITTANY:   
But at least he thought me how to draw. 

DARIA: _(bitter)_   
I think, that is not the only thing he thought you. 

BRITTANY: _(getting carried away in her memories)_   
Yes I know it is hard to believe, that I fall once for him, since he is the school-bully. Not that I have the hots for bad boys… 

DARIA:   
You mean jerks. 

BRITTANY: _(sentimental)_   
No I mean… he is the best athlete of our school and he has won a lot of prizes for the Lawndale High. He is a real track star. Further there is that certain cuteness, when he shows his rebellious side. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Yeah. 

DARIA:   
Actually his behaviour is more revolting than rebellious. 

BRITTANY:   
You don't like him? 

DARIA:   
I never could consort with sport jocks. 

BRITTANY:   
Consort??? Well to be honest Daria you are not that kind of girl Zane would be interested in. 

_Daria glares at Brittany._   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Zane is pulling books out his locker. Kevin and Mack are about to walk up to him._

KEVIN:   
Uhm Mack? Can you do me a favour and tell Zane he is not invited to Brittany's party. 

MACK:   
Why me? 

KEVIN:   
As far I know, he has never attack coloured people. 

_Mack glares at him._

KEVIN:   
Uh I mean. Since he respects you as football captain, and you have more brawns than me… 

MACK: _(still insulted from Kevin's previous remark, he interrupts in a bitter tone)_   
Not to mention more brains. 

KEVIN:   
What about the brains? 

MACK: _(rolls his eyes)_   
Whatever. 

_Mack walks to Zane leaving Kevin behind._

MACK:   
Hey Zane. Kevin says you are not invited at Brittany's party. 

ZANE: _(smirks)_   
Yes I understand. See you at the party then. 

MACK: _(smirks)_   
No way keeping "In-Zane" Lane from a party? 

ZANE: _(smirks evil)_   
Sure, "Mack-Daddy". I just can't disappoint my foes. 

MACK:   
How come? 

ZANE:   
I don't know, but I always keep trying. 

MACK:   
Well since you are tied to defend your bad reputation. We will see you at the party. 

_Mack walks back to Kevin._

KEVIN:   
Hey Mack. Did he got the message? 

MACK:   
In a way: Yes. 

KEVIN:   
Cool.   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY   
_Daria is sitting alone. She gets join by Brittany._

BRITTANY:   
Huh-huh Da-ri-ah! May I take a seat? 

_Brittany takes a chair and sits down._

DARIA: _(sarcastic)_   
Sure. No need to be *reluctant*. 

BRITTANY:   
I was thinking… 

DARIA: _(annoyed and sarcastic)_   
You were thinking? We should celebrate this quantum leap, let's party. 

BRITTANY:   
Hey… How could you have guess? Because I will have a party on Saturday night. 

DARIA:   
Is it one of those parties you celebrate, when the parents are out of town? 

BRITTANY:   
Yes and you can come… I mean this one time… you know… to thank you for helping me out in art…   
And since all the cheerleaders are invited, they expect that all girls are not more attractive then they. 

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
Now, I really feel appreciated. 

_Zane walks up._

ZANE:   
Hey Brittany.   
_(he notices Daria)_   
You sitting with her? I must have been dimension-warped into a parallel universe. 

BRITTANY: _(annoyed)_   
Oooww, Zane! 

ZANE:   
With your parents being out of town: It is Saturday Party Time! Okay, that I come uninvited? 

BRITTANY: _(bitchy)_   
Didn't Kevin say to you, that you are not invited! 

ZANE:   
In away yes. But, that is why I come uninvited! Even though *Daria* would be there too. 

DARIA: _(offended)_   
Since there will be plenty of people posing. You will find comfort and happiness. 

ZANE: _(teases her)_   
And you will find pain and sorrow. Can't resist it huh? 

DARIA: _(glares at him)_   
I am not nauseated by your chauvinistic stereotyping: Since you are popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway. No wonder preppy boys like you, ever bother to see things from an other perspective. 

ZANE:   
What makes you so sure? 

DARIA:   
Ever tried to see things from my point of view? I think not. 

_Zane snatches Daria's glasses away._

DARIA:   
HEY! 

ZANE: _(imitating her voice)_   
Hi, I am Daria. Go to hell. 

_Zane smirks at her and gives the glasses back._

ZANE: _(uses again his normal voice)_   
My voice is too high and my face is too expressive. It won't work… By the way: You look good without glasses.   
_(while Daria is embarrassed, Zane turns back to Brittany)_   
Until Saturday then, my ex-babe. 

_He walks off._

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(still embarrassed from Zane's previous action)_   
He has seen me without glasses and said I look good… Brittany is staring at me. 

BRITTANY AND DARIA: _(looking at each other)_   
Jerk.   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – MUSIC CLASS   
The class is empty, except for a young woman, who sleeps at the teacher's desk with a guitar in her hands.   
The door gets open by Daria. The noise wakes up the sleeping beauty named Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
Huh? 

DARIA:   
Hey Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
Hey Daria. 

DARIA:   
Sorry for disturbing you. 

TRINITY: _(she stretches)_   
No problem. I needed a break anyway. I have been practicing for 2 hours straight. 

DARIA:   
Sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing? 

TRINITY:   
As long as you don't drop it. 

_Both smirk._

DARIA: _(she lays a tape on the desk)_   
I am just bringing your demo-tape back. 

TRINITY:   
What do you think of the songs? 

DARIA:   
Well, they have a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame. 

TRINITY: _(laugh-cough)_   
Good one Daria… I guess I am not doing that bad. 

DARIA:   
Please don't take this as an affront, but it is also hard to believe, that you are a high school substitute teacher. 

TRINITY:   
It is hard to believe, that you are a high school student. 

DARIA:   
I find the situation unbelievable myself. 

TRINITY: _(smiles)_   
You are pretty cool. 

DARIA:   
Thanks. 

_Daria has a Mona Lisa smile. She doesn't know what is was, but there was something in the aura of Trinity, that made her feel being understand and appreciated for what she was._

TRINITY:   
You know what? You should see me perform this weekend at the Zon. 

DARIA:   
Is that important? 

TRINITY:   
I think more than 8 people would higher my motivation. 

DARIA:   
Of course I come… Damn, I am invited to a party. 

TRINITY:   
Never mind, an other time perhaps. 

DARIA:   
I could skip it. 

TRINITY: _(raises her eyebrows)_   
A teenager skipping a high school party? 

DARIA:   
Well… it would be boring anyway. On the other hand I can't disappoint my *beloved* sister.   


_CUT TO FLASH BACK_   
EXT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – DAY 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(in a teasing tone)_   
Wouldn't it be great if Brittany would invite me too? Maybe I should ask her… 

QUINN VOICE OVER: _(aghast)_   
You can't go! You will ruin everything! 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(in an evil tone)_   
I think, as a good sister you should help me to broaden my social horizon. 

QUINN VOICE OVER: _(raised voice)_   
MOM! DAD! DARIA IS RUINING MY LIFE AGAIN!   


_CUT TO PRESENT_   
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – MUSIC CLASS 

TRINITY:   
Is the party at Brittany Taylor's house? 

DARIA:   
How you know? 

TRINITY:   
My little bro goes to there too. 

DARIA: _(surprised)_   
You have got a little brother? 

TRINITY:   
Yes, he is about your age... I think you will like him. 

DARIA:   
Uh… and what makes you such a hasty conclusion about my preferences? 

TRINITY:   
He is into painting dark and violent stuff. So I think he would appreciate your insight. 

_Daria raises her eyebrows._

TRINITY:   
And I have promised to give him a ride to the party. What do you think? I could pick you up on the way. 

DARIA: _(excited)_   
Why not?   
_(normal tone)_   
Uhm… I mean yeah. 

_The recess bell rings._

DARIA:   
Well I must go now to my *self*-*esteem* class. Bye Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
Bye Daria. 

_After Daria has closed the door behind her. Trinity falls again asleep over the desk._   
  


_END CHAPTER 1_

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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	2. part 2

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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_BEGIN CHAPTER 2_   
  


INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – DOORWAY – EVENING   
_The entrance door rings. Jake opens it and turns his face to the stairs._

JAKE:   
*Qui*-*inn*. Your date is…   
_(talking to himself, he turns back towards the door)_   
Silly me. She has gone alrea… 

_Jake sees Trinity and just stares at her beautiful dark eyes. While he glances at her with an opened mouth. Daria comes down the stairs behind him._

TRINITY: _(she nods at Daria)_   
Hey Daria. _(she nods at Jake)_Your Dad? 

DARIA: _(she passes Jake)_   
I couldn't be picky at the witness protection program. 

_Trinity chuckles and coughs._

DARIA:   
Bye Dad. 

TRINITY:   
Bye Mr. Morgendorffer. 

_They both walk to Trinity's car, get in and drive off. Jake is staring after them_

JAKE: _(in trance)_   
…Bye.   


INT. TRINITY'S CAR – NIGHT   
_The night has broken over Lawndale. Trinity is driving while Daria sits beside her._

DARIA:   
So… What kind of person is your little brother? 

TRINITY:   
He is very mature. When I had left for College he had to grow up on his own. 

DARIA:   
But what about your parents? 

TRINITY:   
They were visiting self-finding courses in distant countries… like Idaho. But he can take care of himself. He is a big boy. 

DARIA:   
And he does painting? 

TRINITY:   
Yeah, and sculpturing. 

DARIA:   
By the way. How do you get the idea he would appreciate my insight? 

TRINITY:   
I dunno, I just got this feeling. He is like you an artist. 

DARIA:   
An artist you say? 

TRINITY:   
You will instantly like him. 

DARIA:   
Why? 

TRINITY:   
He is cute. 

DARIA:   
Isn't that shallow? 

TRINITY:   
Why? Do you need more? 

DARIA:   
Yes, some might say that is a pretty shallow argument. 

TRINITY:   
Some might say I am a shallow woman. But a shallow woman with a cute brother. 

DARIA:   
You never cease to astonish me! 

TRINITY: _(smiles)_   
Thank you! 

_The car stops at the parking lot of the Lawndale High. A lone figure in the dark is expecting them._

ZANE:   
Yo Trinity. What took you so long? 

TRINITY:   
You know, I don't like to look at my wristwatch. It depresses me. 

ZANE:   
Then why are you wearing one? 

TRINITY:   
I like to be depressed. It makes me feel special… Oh…   
_(she turns towards Daria, who is hiding and thinking about the cruelty of biology)_   
Hey Daria, this is Zane.   
_(she notice their reactions)_   
Do you know each other? 

DARIA AND ZANE: _(beat)_   
Unfortunately.   


INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – SITTING ROOM – NIGHT   
_Brittany is filling potato chips into bowls. When Kevin tries to eat one. Brittany slaps his hand._

KEVIN:   
Ouch. Babe. 

BRITTANY:   
Eww Kevy! How could you allow Zane to come? 

KEVIN:   
But Mack said that when a cheerleader has a party, all the football players are automatically invited. Plus those in the track team 

BRITTANY:   
Really? 

KEVIN:   
Yes. It is on page 6 of the playbook. 

BRITTANY: _(thinks and then burst out)_   
NO IT ISN'T! 

KEVIN:   
That sucks: Zane must have tricked Mack. 

BRITTANY:   
At least I told the security guard not to let him in. Do you remember my last party? 

KEVIN:   
Oh yeah I remember, that was the coolest food fight in my life.   
(_Brittany glares at him)_   
Uhm… not cool, cupcake? 

BRITTANY:   
Zane had invited the most… worst party crashers of Lawndale. We had to change all carpets! But not this time. I have invited really nice people like Daria Morgendorffer, even though she never, ever wears nail polish. 

KEVIN:   
Yeah, and I have invited her sister Quinn too. She is cool. 

BRITTANY:   
KEVY! She is too cute. My friends will kill me! 

KEVIN:   
Uhm… not cool, cupcake?   


INT. TRINITY'S CAR – NIGHT   
_While Trinity drives. Daria is staring mute out the window. Zane sits on the backseat and is puzzled of Trinity's choice of people. Trinity tries to start a conversation between them._

TRINITY:   
So you both share classes? 

DARIA AND ZANE: _(weak)_   
Yeah. 

TRINITY:   
And you know each other, since school started this summer? 

DARIA AND ZANE:   
Yeah. 

TRINITY:   
How do you… 

ZANE:   
Stop! We are here!   


EXT. ROAD – NIGHT   
_Trinity's car stops at the gates of the gated community. Daria gets at once out, while Zane still stays in the car._

DARIA: _(mumbles)_   
Humpf. Thank you for the ride, Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
You are welcome Daria. 

ZANE:   
Sure you don't want to crash with us? 

TRINITY:   
Me? A teach at a high school party??? 

ZANE:   
Yeah! You can make them suffer! 

TRINITY:   
I think I am going to leave that to you. 

_Zane exit the car._

TRINITY:   
Don't do anything I won't do. 

_She drives off. Daria and Zane stand opposite of each other._

ZANE:   
I can't get rid of the impression that she just tried to play the yenta on us. 

DARIA:   
Only in your dreams. 

ZANE:   
You mean nightmares _(pause while he glances at her face) _Oh, la, la… Is that lipstick? 

DARIA: _(ashamed she turns her back toward him)_   
I hate you. 

ZANE:   
Nice conversational skills. 

_They both walk towards the security guard_

DARIA:   
Well, since Brittany has mentioned on several occasions, that you are a persona non grata. She must have given the security guard instructions forbidding your entrance. 

ZANE: _(evil smirk)_   
We shall see.   


EXT. GATED COMMUNITY GUARD STATION – NIGHT   
_Daria and Zane approach the gates of that upper-class luxury villa estate._

SECURITY GUARD:   
Names please…   
_(he notice Zane)_   
EEP! 

ZANE:   
Hello. 

SECURITY GUARD:   
Oh Mr. Lane… I have orders not to let you in. You are not invited. 

ZANE:   
So? 

SECURITY GUARD:   
So… Ehem… Enjoy the party. 

_He steps aside and Daria and Zane pass the gates._   


EXT. GATED COMMUNITY PATHWAY – NIGHT   
_They walk for a time. Until Daria speaks out._

DARIA:   
Okay. My curiosity is about to kill me. Please tell me, why he let you pass? 

ZANE:   
Because my photographic memory enables me to recoil the time, when I caught him with a banana split. 

DARIA:   
What is wrong with the consumption of food during work times? 

ZANE:   
Just imagine what a man with a dirty mind does with whip cream when he is alone. 

DARIA: _(beat)_   
Yuck. That is disgusting 

ZANE:   
And now imagine what a man with a dirty mind does with a banana… 

DARIA: _(shocked)_   
EWW!… Gross! 

ZANE: _(mocks having trauma)_   
I never ever again can set my eyes with innocent joy on fruit. 

_Daria couldn't help it, but she had to smirk._

ZANE:   
Hey Daria! Wasn't that a smile on your face? 

DARIA:   
That was only malicious joy. 

ZANE:   
Gee, if I catch fire and break my legs, then you would end up in hospital from laughing. 

_Now Daria definitely had to smirk. Followed by her usual guilt of having shown sympathy towards him._

ZANE: _(beat, then calm)_   
Why do you always show me the cold shoulder? 

DARIA: _(she blushes ashamed, good for Daria, that it is already night and it can't be seen so well)_   
Whhh…. gnnn… I… I am not showing only you the cold shoulder, I am showing the cold shoulder to everyone else. 

ZANE:   
Hmm, I conclude from your nervousness, that you are not familiar with the high school party culture. 

DARIA: _(still blushing)_   
So what? Don't you know we are from two different worlds? Regular and popular? 

ZANE:   
How about I give you some party tips? 

DARIA: _(resigns)_   
Do I have a choice? 

ZANE: _(smirks)_   
First: You don't get invited to parties, you invite yourself to parties. Let yourself go. Behave how you like, since it is party time and people will forgive you, because they are too drunk to remember.   
Second: You have to mingle with everybody at the party. Enjoy it when they sink in the depths of human depravity, because it is one more good reason to laugh at them, when they get drunk and loose bladder control.   
Third: If you have sex with a drunken person, wear a condom… 

DARIA: (disgusted)   
THAT IS ENOUGH! 

_Zane chuckles evilly._

DARIA: _(glares at him)_   
It is hard to believe, that such an obnoxious person is an artist. 

ZANE: _(surprised and anxious)_   
What? Who? Trinity must have told you. 

DARIA:   
Not to mention Brittany, bursting out your artistic qualities. 

ZANE:   
Oh, yeah Brittany. She was quite bursty. I think she had her burs… 

DARIA: _(cuts him off)_   
See what I mean with obnoxious. 

ZANE:   
You think that is *obnoxious*? I haven't even started yet. 

DARIA:   
If you would start now, the party is over for me. 

ZANE:   
So what? I am an obnoxious artist, but an obnoxious artist, who know when it is time to shut up. 

DARIA:   
Yeah, like 10 minutes ago. 

_Daria smirks, while Zane glares at her._   


EXT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – ENTRANCE – NIGHT   
_They arrived at Brittany's house and stop at the door._

ZANE:   
How about one last party tip? 

DARIA:   
Only when it is a serious one. 

ZANE:   
It is a very serious. Here we go:   
Just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them. 

DARIA:   
Or hate them. 

ZANE: _(smiles)_   
You learn fast young grasshopper. Okay: Breath in, chin up, nose up…   
_(Daria does so)_   
… breast out.   
_(Daria almost does so, but she halts and glares at the smirking Zane)_   
All right! Let's party! 

_Zane presses the bell and Brittany answers the door._

BRITTANY:   
Daria! I am glad you made it… Zane! I thought I gave clear orders to the guard... 

ZANE: _(interrupts her)_   
I just brought back old distant saga. The legend of the lonely security guard and the banana split incident. 

BRITTANY:   
Ewww stop that old uncomfortable icky, yucky story!   
_(Brittany notices that Daria is with Zane, she ask them in a suspicious tone)_   
Why you came together? 

DARIA:   
Mere coincidence. 

ZANE:   
Not that we are engaged. 

_Daria is embarrassed again._

BRITTANY:   
Well come on in Daria.   
_(Daria walks in, but when Zane wants to follow, Brittany blocks his way.)_   
Zane you stay out.   
_(He pinches Brittany's arm.)_   
Oooooooooh!   
_(While rubbing her arm, Zane slips in.)_   


INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – ENTRANCE – NIGHT   
_Inside Zane runs away from Brittany, leaving her standing angry at the door._

BRITTANY:   
Oooooh! 

_At the doorway, Daria looks with mixed feeling at Zane. Meanwhile she doesn't notice that Quinn had spotted her and consequently start to hide behind a huge ceramic tiger._   
  


_END CHAPTER 2_

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	3. part 3

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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_BEGIN CHAPTER 3_   
  


INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   
_A lot of party people are having a good time, except Daria, who is standing unemotional with a juice at the buffet, waiting for the evening to pass. A boy with red hair approaches her._

BOY:   
Hello. It happens to be, that we are visiting the same history class. The name is Chuck. 

DARIAN:   
Huh? Yes I remember you. They call you Upch… Chuck. My name is Esmerelda.   


_CAMERA PANS TO:_

3 Girls _(Sandi, Tiffany and a blonde girl called Blondie)_, who are making comments about people. 

BLONDIE: _(points at various persons)_   
He is popular, she used to be very popular, he is so absolutely ex-popular… And that one behind the ceramic tiger? She was new and cute so she became, like, popular overnight. 

SANDI: _(annoyed)_   
Yes, we all know that, so don't point it out. 

BLONDIE: _(she points at Daria and Upchuck)_   
Those 2 aren't popular, why they are invited? 

SANDI:   
I happen to know, that the geek was invited, because he dissected Brittany's Frog. 

TIFFANY:   
Poooooor Frog. 

BLONDIE:   
But what about the girl? 

ZANE: _(appears from nowhere, he cuts into their conversation)_   
She sew it together again. 

BLONDIE:   
Gross. 

ZANE:   
She named it Franken-Frog. 

_Blondie snickers and Tiffany giggles. They stop when Sandi scowls at them._

SANDI: _(bitchy)_   
Excuse me. But I happen to know, that you were not invited. How could you pass the security? 

ZANE:   
I remember what the guard did last summer with a banana, whip cream and… 

BLONDIE AND TIFFANY:   
Ewwwwww. Stop that. 

SANDI:   
Well, when he is really that irresponsible to eat at work, why they didn't fire him? 

TIFFANY:   
Uhhhhhh. He wasn't eating that. 

SANDI:   
What do you mean Tiffany? 

TIFFANY:   
Uhh…..nothing. 

ZANE:   
Shall I tell her? 

BLONDIE AND TIFFANY: _(protesting)_   
NO! 

ZANE:   
Okay then… Anyone care for a dance? 

_Blondie and Tiffany have mixed feelings. They look over to Sandi, who uses non-verbal-communication to make them decline his offer._

SANDI:   
Whatever gave you the impression we would want to dance with someone, who is not invited? 

_Sandi walks off and drags the 2 girls with her. Zane scowls behind them._

ZANE: _(quite)_   
You know what? I know a lot of others who are not invited too. 

_He goes to a phone and starts to dial. While dialling he notice that now 2 boys are talking/flirting with Daria._

ZANE: _(mumbles softly to himself)_   
Well, isn't it "Bobby Bighead" and his "Sidekick". They seem to be interested in her… Maybe I should beat them up.   


_CAMERA PANS BACK TO:_   
Daria and the two guys. 

GUY #1:   
Are you partying hard or hardly partying? 

DARIA:   
Hardly interested. 

GUY #2 ("Bobby Bighead"):   
And how could the party be more interesting for you? 

DARIA:   
When I can embarrass my sister. 

GUY #1: (curious)   
Really? How? 

DARIA:   
By saying everybody, that she is my sister.   


_CUT TO:_   
EXT. GATED COMMUNITY GUARD STATION – NIGHT   
_A car with two boys approaches._

PARTY CRASHER #1:   
Wooo-hooo! Party! 

SECURITY GUARD:   
Your names please. 

PARTY CRASHER #2:   
Yeah: Banana split. 

SECURITY GUARD: (turns pale)   
…what? 

PARTY CRASHER #1:   
*Banana* *split*. 

_The security guard let them in._

PARTY CRASHER #2:   
That is a strange codeword Zane phoned us. 

PARTY CRASHER #1:   
Who cares? So long there is a cool party.   


_CUT TO:_   
INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   
Daria is alone again. The two guys from before are standing not far from her. 

GUY #2 ("Bobby Bighead"): _(whispers)_   
Go on… She likes you. 

GUY #1:   
She is freaky. 

GUY #2 ("Bobby Bighead"):   
She is only playing hard to get. 

GUY #1: _(walks up to her again)_   
Is it still boring? 

DARIA:   
Yes, still boring.   
_(Daria notice Quinn, who is hiding behind a ceramic tiger)_   
Not Boring.   
_(Daria speaks out loud)_   
Yoo-hoo! My little Sis! Yoo-hoo! 

_Suddenly the background pop music (Tainted Love the 1980's version;-) gets turned off. Hard rock is now played, while loads of party crashers with several kegs storm into the party. Quinn uses the opportunity to flee._   


_CUT TO:_   
EXT. GATED COMMUNITY GUARD STATION – NIGHT   
_An angry neighbour walks up to the gate house._

NOSY NEIGHBOUR:   
There is a wild party going on! What do you plan to do about it? 

SECURITY GUARD:   
Well I err… 

_A car with more very loud party-crazed teenagers drives up._

TEENAGERS:   
BANANA SPLIT! 

_The guard turns again pale and let them drive through._

NOSY NEIGHBOUR:   
Banana split? Is that a cryptogram? A coded message? 

SECURITY GUARD: _(relieved)_   
YES! Yes! It is only a codeword for the party. 

NOSY NEIGHBOUR:   
That party is far too loud, I will call the *REAL* police. 

_The neighbour leaves. The guard begins to sob._

SECURITY GUARD:   
Why? Oh why? I have to pay for a once in a lifetime sin for the rest of my days???   


_CUT TO:_   
INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – CORRIDOR IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOMS – NIGHT   
_The party is now turning wild. Loud fast music and smoke from illegal substances fill the house. Daria is looking for Quinn. She stops, when she sees how Zane drags the guy#2 (Bobby Bighead), into a bathroom. He closes the door behind them._

BOBBY VOICE OVER:   
No, please… mercy. I never wanted to compare your head with a lollipop… Do you expect me to apologize, Zane? 

ZANE VOICE OVER:   
No, Bobby. I expect you to die. 

BOBBY VOICE OVER:   
AHHHHHH! 

_Daria rolls annoyed her eyes. Then she notices the 3 J's, who are standing in front of an other door._

JOEY:   
Quinn, come out! I don't care, that you have a nerdy sister. 

JEFFY:   
Me too, I have always ignored your sister. So please get out. 

JAMIE:   
Your sister can be the biggest greatest brain of the world. I don't care Quinn. 

QUINN VOICE OVER: _(behind the door)_   
Look guys, you three are so sweet, but I feel that you are pressuring me to do things I am not ready for… 

_Daria glares at them. Then she looks back at the closed door and notice that foam leaks out. Zane, with a fire extinguisher and a sock sticking on his back, exits. He is surprise to see Daria._

ZANE: _(points at the fire extinguisher)_   
Uhm, hello Daria. This will come handy later. 

DARIA: _(snide)_   
Like the sock on your shoulder? 

ZANE: _(he takes the sock off)_   
You are wondering, what two grown-up guys were doing alone in a laundry room? Hmm, well we were controlling our eyelashes and made comments on each other's butt. 

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
You really have got no shame, do you? 

ZANE: _(impersonating Austin Powers)_   
Just call me Shameless-Zane, baby. 

DARIA _(she sights and peers into the laundry room)_   
That must be why you stick him into the washing machine… _(annoyed) _Why am I not surprised? I am leaving. 

ZANE:   
No wait! The fun is soon starting. 

_Zane nods at the 3 J's standing in front of the other door. They are pushing each other._

QUINN VOICE OVER: _(still behind the door)_   
Look guys… let's just be friends. Okay? 

JAMIE:   
Only Friends? _(to Jeffy) _That is your fault. 

JEFFY:   
My fault? No way. You both put pressure on her. 

JOEY:   
Hey! You are the ones who haven't brushed the teeth. 

The 3 J's begin to fight. While Zane and Daria watch. 

DARIA:   
*Men* are always locked into some kind of preternatural courtship. 

ZANE:   
Hey! That is only a partial overrated theory. 

DARIA:   
No, that is a complete underrated fact. 

_Zane smiles at her. He has never met such an intelligent sharp-tongue girl before in his life. Meanwhile Daria feels intimidated._

ZANE:   
You know what, Daria? You may be right. Uhmm. Why don't we…well… both go to a quite place in this house, sit down and talk this over on bottle of soda and a bag of chips? 

DARIA: _(sarcastic)_   
Sure. And after that, I think I will swallow glass. 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(in agony)_   
OHMIGAWD! What have I done! Why did I say that? 

_Zane glares at Daria. Then he looks sad down to the fire extinguisher. A second later an evil smirk rises on Zane's face. Daria comprehends and consequently flee. Quinn opens the door to see the 3 J's fighting._

QUINN: _(smiles)_   
Hey, they are fighting over me.   
_(She gets covered in foam)_   
EWWWWWW! 

ZANE VOICE OVER:   
FOAM FIGHT! 

_The 3 J's get covered in foam. They stop fighting to look at each other's foam, and then start fighting again._   


INT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   
_Hell breaks loose, foam from several fire extinguisher flies around, while a huge high school brawl makes its way through the house. Brittany gets on the table and tries to stop the masses from misbehaving._

BRITTANY: _(yelling)_   
STOP IT! Stop it! STOP IT! Or I will call the cops! Yes, *the* "Cops" from TV. 

_The fighting crowd doesn't reacts._

BRITTANY:   
RIGHT! You have asked for it! 

_Brittany picks up a phone and presses 911. Suddenly the door opens and a bunch of policemen enter the house._

BRITTANY:   
That went fast.   
_(she makes herself pretty and ask a police man)_   
Officer, where is the camera?   


_LATER THAT NIGHT_

EXT. THE VILLA OF THE TAYLORS – ENTRANCE – NIGHT   
_The situation has calmed down. The guests (all covered in foam) are leaving the house, while Brittany says goodbye to them._

BRITTANY: _(to several guest)_   
Bye, bye, bye, bye… Bye Jodie, bye Mack. 

MACK:   
Thanks for the party, Brittany. I am sorry that "In-Zane" Lane did it again. 

JODIE:   
I hope the foam will dry like carpet shampoo. 

BRITTANY:   
That is okay. At least he has spared this time my Jacuzzi. 

PARTY CRASHER #2: _(passing by with an evil smirk)_   
I won't be so sure about that. 

BOBBY: _(passing by with a desolated look)_   
Not to mention what he did with your washing machine. 

KEVIN: _(passing by, covered in foam and with a grin on his face)_   
Woo-hoo! Now that was the coolest foam fight of my life.   
_(he notices that Brittany glares at him)_   
Uhm… not cool, cupcake? 

BRITTANY: _(angry)_   
Oooooh! Where is that Zane?   


EXT. GATED COMMUNITY GUARD STATION – NIGHT   
_Daria stands at the gate house, waiting an occasion to get a ride back home. Upchuck drives up with a Volvo._

UPCHUCK:   
Do you require a knight in shining armour? 

DARIA:   
Can I just ditch the knight and require the Volvo? 

_She is about to get in, when she sees how Zane is approaching her._

ZANE: _(tries to be cool)_   
Hey Daria… You missed a hell of a fight… 

DARIA: _(calm)_   
Zane, I would like to say how much I enjoyed your company this evening. 

ZANE: _(surprised and humbled)_   
Really? Thank you. 

DARIA: _(in a defensive sarcastic tone)_   
But as we both know, that would be an outright departure from the truth. Therefore I will withdraw by simply saying: "Get lost!". And if I meet you again on Monday in school, it will be 42 billion years too soon. 

_Daria climbs into the car._

_Zane sees how the Volvo disappears in the night._   
_He sights, then he puts his hands into his pockets and walks down the road._

_FADE OUT_

THE END 

  
  
  


_MUSIC: "PARTY HARD" BY "PULP"_   
_CLOSING CREDITS._   
__ __

END NOTES:   
There will be 12 Episodes, which will range from Season 1 to Season 5 of the original Daria series. All the other episodes are skipped, since I have got no intention to rewrite 65 episodes and 2 TV-movies.   
If you have any questions, corrections and/or comments, then please E-Mail me under: ace_trax@yahoo.de   
When you want to see the fanart then go to: www.geocities.com/ace_trax/AlternateHistory__

DISCLAIMER:   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material. This fanfiction story was done without   
authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners. 

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:   
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. Those are all the novel words and   
syntax, which make the story.   
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.   
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2004, Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:   
Thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes". 


End file.
